Go Back
by Pilla Jeffrey
Summary: Fred’s thoughts on the whole apocalypse ordeal during “Release”. FG with slight WF.


TITLE:  Go Back  
AUTHOR: Pilla Jeffrey  
EMAIL: mah219@yahoo.com   
CATEGORY: Missing Scene/Epilogue, Thoughts, Angst   
PAIRING: Fred/Gunn and slight Wes/Fred  
SPOILERS: All of season four, but based on "Release"  
SEASON / SEQUEL: 4  
RATING: PG  
CONTENT WARNINGS: Nothing much if you watch the show.  
SUMMARY: Fred's thoughts on the whole apocalypse ordeal during "Release". F/G with slight W/F.  
STATUS: Completed  
ARCHIVE: Fanfiction.net, anywhere else, ask.  
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Angel (both in the show sense and the *him* sense sigh).  Wish I did though.  I mean, David Boreanaz!  Hotness! Sorry.  Will clean up drool.  All original ideas are mine, though, so don't archive without my permission!   
AUTHOR'S NOTES: I am a F/Ger.  Don't try to make me go the other way, 'cause it won't work.  I do acknowledge the chemistry with Fred and Wes, I just don't what them to get together.  Basically this is based on Fred's comment in "Release" about wanting to go back.  I mean, who wouldn't?  So, read and enjoy!

DEDICATION:  Ali "Willow" and Arianrhod "Faith", my _Angel buds._

            I want to go back.

            Is that too much to ask?  I want to be Winifred Burkle, innocent newly-back-on-earth girl with a cute boyfriend and great friends who, while always caught up in some paranormal, sci-fi worthy melodrama, are always there for her.  I want to be smart, but naïve to the fact that the professor I trusted so much betrayed me for my own genius.  I want to go back.

            But I can't.  Rain of fire, break-ups and kisses not so innocent block any normalcy I once had.  I, the girl who made tree bark enchiladas, had taken advantage of the normalcy.  No more Pylea, just good ol' earth and regular bean burritos.  Somehow I'd convinced myself that that was how it was going to be: getting take-out from Taco Bell, fighting with Cordy over the bathroom for those necessary touch-ups, making love to Charles as he tenderly whispered how much he loved me.  Perfection.  At least until you realize you forgot to carry the negative over in the equation and suddenly your positive, whole number turns into an imaginary one.  Or at least one that qualifies for the imagination-filled fairy tales.

            God, what happened?  Why is everything such a mess?

            I'd like to say it's not my fault.  I didn't screw my ex-vampire lover and produce a prophesized son.  I didn't take a falsified prophecy and steal my friend's son away from him.  I didn't send my father to the bottom of the ocean.  But I didn't very well stop it, did I?  I didn't stop these cracks grow into chasms.  Was I too involved in myself?  Could I have stopped…this?  Angelus on the loose, Cordy and Connor doing who knows what, and Wes…

            I admit I was attracted to Wes.  Am attracted to Wes.  I can't help it; we are so alike, we are drawn together.  It's a connection I can never experience with Charles; I love him, I sincerely do, but whatever attraction we have—had (I can't believe we're not together anymore), it's not intellectual.  At least not so much as Wes and my relationship is.  Where my knowledge of ancient Babylonian falters, his kicks in.  When he is at a loss, I can come in with a fresh mind.  We're like two peas in a pod.  Only problem is that we share this pod with five other peas and there isn't enough room for us all.  At least, not anymore.

            I could imagine being involved with Wes a year ago.  But no matter how attracted I am to him, what he's become now has scared me.  Stealing Connor to save him is one thing.  It's a completely different scenario when he's screwing Lilah, kissing me, and turning cold-hearted and violent on the world.  He has that mad glare in his eye, and it scares me.  He's gone to the edge, and I don't know if he can ever come back.  I want to help him, but now that Faith's here I know I have little chance of grabbing his attention.  At least not grabbing his attention to things that really matter, i.e., in the non-relationship function.

            But Charles…he's been my constant.  Always there for me.  Maybe he is the most jealous idiot I've ever known, but I can forgive that.  Maybe he hit me.  But whatever wounds he gave me are only skin-deep.  I still love him.  God, I sound like a school girl, but I love him.  Love him more than life itself.  I would kill for him…just like he did for me.  I now understand what he did.  He did it to prevent me from going over the edge that Wes has.  I'm still slipping, but his hand is still holding me from the cliff.  I can't help but love him.

            But Wes kissed me.  And I kissed him back.  That means no more Charles and Fred all-nighters.  Even Charles has his limits.  And I know that he probably thinks I'd be happy with Wes.  And I got the good boyfriend who wants me to be happy.  Only now he's gone.  So I want to go back.

            Back.  Back a month or two.  Back a year.  Back to a time where the biggest trouble was one of Angel's sired going insane and mass-murder crazy.  Back to Charles' kisses.  Back and back and back.

            There's no going back.  Not now, not ever.  Nothing will ever be the same again; I can feel it in the air.  Everything is going wrong and it can only get worse.  I'm helpless; we're all helpless.  We need to do something, because Faith is not enough…

            We'll think of something.  We always do.  We always did, anyway.  What if this is the end?  What if all of a sudden, poof, we're dead?  I can't afford to think that way, but I can't _not think that way.  I need help…I need Charles, I need Angel, I need everybody.  I need everybody the way they were.  I need everything normal again._

            I want to go back.

~Finis~

Like, dislike?  Review and tell me your thoughts!


End file.
